Writers note:This is my open letter from the student body to Josh "The Duke" Ducoulombier asking him to join the basketball team. Because we need skills. And height. It will be one of many. The Barons are Back!
Duke,
Join the team. You'd kick ass.
Love,
The student body
PS- Five Reasons why you should join:
1. You have mad skills. You scored like 2,000 more points than anyone in intramurals last year. 2,0000! You're the King of Franciscan Intramurals. True royalty Duke. How can beating up on overweight, untalented PRODS and Staff Members fulfill your inner competitive drive? Come on now....
2.We need height. You're over 6'5. And you can shoot the sweet turn around jump shot. Or dunk. Or play the low post. And have you seen this team rebound? Neither have I... We need that height.
3. We personally guarantee the student body would honor you will the official title of the Duke of Franciscan. We would petition for "Duke Day", where the Administration would show its love by giving you the day off of classes, and we would hold a feast in your honor. We would drink Dukeraide: The special drink that makes you so awesome (which of course is the blood of all the opponents you destroyed. Including all of AMDG. And Tim Tebow. You know he looks up to you don't you? He even wears "the Duke of Franciscan" PJ's to bed. So do I. But that's our little secret...)
4. You could be the Catholic Kobe Bryant. Minus the whole Colorado thing. And getting rid of Shaq.
5. You're a baller, the best we got. Being an RA is just an excuse. Get out on the floor son! Represent our University. This team already has a ton of talent. But you can turn this team into a real competitor. You're the missing piece. The perfect mix of talent and experience to lead this team. We're like the Bulls after MJ went to play baseball, we are missing that one super duper star. And you could be it. Do this as a service to our University.
Could you imagine the people that would show up to the games, the energy it would bring to have you on a team with so many talented guards? People would go crazy. It would be like the Run T-M-C days from the late '80s at Golden State. They'd pack the Fieldhouse. It would be loud and fun and competitive. No we wouldn't win every game, maybe not even go .500, but at least you give us a chance. So get off the proverbial baseball field, pack up your hypothetical glove and bat, and as MJ so eloquently put it when he returned, please say: "I'm Back".
Showing posts with label tim tebow. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tim tebow. Show all posts
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
The Mount Union Slaughter of 2007
Holy ____
that was an ___ whooping
but lets not get ahead of ourselves. we will first highlight the few brightspots of tonights performance
THE GOOD
1) Matt Liedel (pronounced LIE DELL, get it freakin rite) is a stud. He was one of the few players who looked legit tonight. After sinking 5 straight threes in the first half, Matthew Liedel will be known henceforth as Matt "I'm thinking Arby's" Liedel (5 for 5 special - GET IT?). Not only was Matt our entire offense tonight he also was the first man ever to be a starting 6'2 forward in college basketball history. That's recruiting for ya!
2) Zach "I can't catch a ball to save my life" Hohenburg had some sweet poke aways that set up unsuccessful break aways, but lets leave that for later.
3) Benjamin "Marcia, Marcia Marcia!" Liedel was one of few barons who understood that the only way we could take down the Goliaths was to play Defense, get this, beyond the three point line.
4) Tim "16th man of the year" Thrun hit a buzzer beating shot to cut the lead down to double digits
5) Michael "No one helps me bring up the ball" Fuez played a solid game despite the fact that that the entire Mount Union Squad surrounded him the whole game like a pack of wolfs who haven't seen a gazelle in God knows when.
6) Steven "Hungry like the Wolf by Duran" Duran seemed to be the only pg with vision of the court today.
THE BAD
1) The Scoreboard. Sweet God. Now we know what its like to be a Buffalo Bills fan
2) Where the hell was Coach Walsh, man!?
3) Connor "turns men gay for him and his baddass skills, and yet we still have three more years to flaunt over the goodness" Flanagan was not able to get over the multiple traveling violations tacked onto him (seriously, the Irishman looked like he just left the pub after he would set his feet). But lets remember, he was the ____ last home game.
4) Curtis "why the ____ am i on the bench" Allen was just that; on the bench. give me a break. It was like watching the episode of Friday Night Lights (its the best show ever) where Tim Riggins, one of the best players on the team, doesn't play. It was like sitting Hayden Penataire from Heroes and casting Rosie O'Donnel as the hot cheerleader. And un-like Hayden, Allen is not supposed to be a cheerleader. "Save Allen, Save the season!". This is like sitting Stephon Erkelle for Steve Erkel. Its like going to the BMW dealer with money won at the casino, and deciding "I'd rather have a KIA". I think I've made my point.
5) I guess Catholics don't breed tall men.
6) Nate "Captain Crunch Time" Stanton has been anything but this season. the guy is like the coolest guy around, but with so many new players on this team, Stanton has yet to find his niche in this new system.
7) Baron Von Steubie needs to learn to learn some new tricks. I'm waiting for him to bleed out of his ear after on more of these human bowling ball experiments. "Mommy, mommy, look what i can do!". Hes the damn clown from Air Bud. I wanna go home and hide my dog.
8) Mount Union Guard #20 only increased his douche-status by staring down the crowd for taunting him during a free throw. After being told by the crowd to "THINK!!" by a group of pre-thes, he gave us a look like rivaled one of a bratty little 7 year-old who just defied his father by not eating his peas. He did his best Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson impression. I don't know about anyone else, but i definitely smelled what douche-boy was cooking.
9) R.I.P. Dan "Moses parting the Red Sea" Johnson. Retire his jersey already.
10) What the hell is up with the "highlight video". since when is missing a layup in 1902 a highlight? Is that our legacy, our tradition? Sweet God. One thing we do know is that the older timers passed like fiends. I guess that's how they kept the score back then.
11) OK, think of Coach K at Duke. Got it? now think of the opposite. that's what we're dealing with here. The only thing that Coach Billy Donovan of 2-time champion University of Florida and 3-time women's high school champion of the basketball breeding grounds of Delaware, Coach Sean Donovan, is their male genitalia and Catholicism. Besides the fact that his subbing abilities are unsurpassed, his coaching ability is unmatched. thank god we hired a man who instead of yelling insights to his men on the court, yells and jumps up and down like a crazy person with his feet on fire for five minutes during a comeback (last home game) , telling the already out of control crowd to get, get this, louder. Maybe he should be reassigned to the now debunk Spirit Squad. I miss crazy man and his modestly clad gals, don't you? I could go on, but I'm gonna give the guy a break.
12) Where the hell was the press? what is the point of keeping an NCAA Division 1 Football-sized roster if we're not gonna use them and run the hell outta the other team. Matt "I'm thinking Arby's" Liedel is the man, but i don't exactly feel comfortable with a half court defense that features him one on one with 6'10 Steroid O'Balco. One of the few things we have is speed. If you got it, flaunt it girlfriend.
13) Putting out an APB on 6-5 Andrew "A-O' Kay. Wait, no, never mind. A team without height on the floor using the height on the bench? foolish me.
THE UGLY
1) Chas "tity till marriage is for me" Marks. Floppy McGee is no more. I already miss Mop-head
2) Matt "I'm thinking Arby's" Liedel's ugly-ass shot in the second half. how the hell did that go in?
AWARDS
Tim Tebow Superman Award - Matt "I'm thinking Arby's" Liedel. Don't tug on this Superman's cape. He will kill you.
Norv Turner Award for Outstanding Coaching (we love giving this award)- Sean Donovan
Paddy's Diner All-American (this diner in West Virginia that had dog crap on the floor with a "caution wet" sign above it)
(we hate to give this award) - Conor "i turn men gay" Flanagan. A stud, but traveled to all the way to china tonight.
Till next game! see ya at the tailgate.
that was an ___ whooping
but lets not get ahead of ourselves. we will first highlight the few brightspots of tonights performance
THE GOOD
1) Matt Liedel (pronounced LIE DELL, get it freakin rite) is a stud. He was one of the few players who looked legit tonight. After sinking 5 straight threes in the first half, Matthew Liedel will be known henceforth as Matt "I'm thinking Arby's" Liedel (5 for 5 special - GET IT?). Not only was Matt our entire offense tonight he also was the first man ever to be a starting 6'2 forward in college basketball history. That's recruiting for ya!
2) Zach "I can't catch a ball to save my life" Hohenburg had some sweet poke aways that set up unsuccessful break aways, but lets leave that for later.
3) Benjamin "Marcia, Marcia Marcia!" Liedel was one of few barons who understood that the only way we could take down the Goliaths was to play Defense, get this, beyond the three point line.
4) Tim "16th man of the year" Thrun hit a buzzer beating shot to cut the lead down to double digits
5) Michael "No one helps me bring up the ball" Fuez played a solid game despite the fact that that the entire Mount Union Squad surrounded him the whole game like a pack of wolfs who haven't seen a gazelle in God knows when.
6) Steven "Hungry like the Wolf by Duran" Duran seemed to be the only pg with vision of the court today.
THE BAD
1) The Scoreboard. Sweet God. Now we know what its like to be a Buffalo Bills fan
2) Where the hell was Coach Walsh, man!?
3) Connor "turns men gay for him and his baddass skills, and yet we still have three more years to flaunt over the goodness" Flanagan was not able to get over the multiple traveling violations tacked onto him (seriously, the Irishman looked like he just left the pub after he would set his feet). But lets remember, he was the ____ last home game.
4) Curtis "why the ____ am i on the bench" Allen was just that; on the bench. give me a break. It was like watching the episode of Friday Night Lights (its the best show ever) where Tim Riggins, one of the best players on the team, doesn't play. It was like sitting Hayden Penataire from Heroes and casting Rosie O'Donnel as the hot cheerleader. And un-like Hayden, Allen is not supposed to be a cheerleader. "Save Allen, Save the season!". This is like sitting Stephon Erkelle for Steve Erkel. Its like going to the BMW dealer with money won at the casino, and deciding "I'd rather have a KIA". I think I've made my point.
5) I guess Catholics don't breed tall men.
6) Nate "Captain Crunch Time" Stanton has been anything but this season. the guy is like the coolest guy around, but with so many new players on this team, Stanton has yet to find his niche in this new system.
7) Baron Von Steubie needs to learn to learn some new tricks. I'm waiting for him to bleed out of his ear after on more of these human bowling ball experiments. "Mommy, mommy, look what i can do!". Hes the damn clown from Air Bud. I wanna go home and hide my dog.
8) Mount Union Guard #20 only increased his douche-status by staring down the crowd for taunting him during a free throw. After being told by the crowd to "THINK!!" by a group of pre-thes, he gave us a look like rivaled one of a bratty little 7 year-old who just defied his father by not eating his peas. He did his best Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson impression. I don't know about anyone else, but i definitely smelled what douche-boy was cooking.
9) R.I.P. Dan "Moses parting the Red Sea" Johnson. Retire his jersey already.
10) What the hell is up with the "highlight video". since when is missing a layup in 1902 a highlight? Is that our legacy, our tradition? Sweet God. One thing we do know is that the older timers passed like fiends. I guess that's how they kept the score back then.
11) OK, think of Coach K at Duke. Got it? now think of the opposite. that's what we're dealing with here. The only thing that Coach Billy Donovan of 2-time champion University of Florida and 3-time women's high school champion of the basketball breeding grounds of Delaware, Coach Sean Donovan, is their male genitalia and Catholicism. Besides the fact that his subbing abilities are unsurpassed, his coaching ability is unmatched. thank god we hired a man who instead of yelling insights to his men on the court, yells and jumps up and down like a crazy person with his feet on fire for five minutes during a comeback (last home game) , telling the already out of control crowd to get, get this, louder. Maybe he should be reassigned to the now debunk Spirit Squad. I miss crazy man and his modestly clad gals, don't you? I could go on, but I'm gonna give the guy a break.
12) Where the hell was the press? what is the point of keeping an NCAA Division 1 Football-sized roster if we're not gonna use them and run the hell outta the other team. Matt "I'm thinking Arby's" Liedel is the man, but i don't exactly feel comfortable with a half court defense that features him one on one with 6'10 Steroid O'Balco. One of the few things we have is speed. If you got it, flaunt it girlfriend.
13) Putting out an APB on 6-5 Andrew "A-O' Kay. Wait, no, never mind. A team without height on the floor using the height on the bench? foolish me.
THE UGLY
1) Chas "tity till marriage is for me" Marks. Floppy McGee is no more. I already miss Mop-head
2) Matt "I'm thinking Arby's" Liedel's ugly-ass shot in the second half. how the hell did that go in?
AWARDS
Tim Tebow Superman Award - Matt "I'm thinking Arby's" Liedel. Don't tug on this Superman's cape. He will kill you.
Norv Turner Award for Outstanding Coaching (we love giving this award)- Sean Donovan
Paddy's Diner All-American (this diner in West Virginia that had dog crap on the floor with a "caution wet" sign above it)
(we hate to give this award) - Conor "i turn men gay" Flanagan. A stud, but traveled to all the way to china tonight.
Till next game! see ya at the tailgate.
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